Clean Slate
by allie23o
Summary: I'm standing outside my house, holding a box ready to start my new life. I couldn't help but think about how someone could just walk into your life and turn your world inside out. Yet you know deep in your heart that it's best not to get involved with them? But you can't help falling for them? Maybe it's love at first sight? Or maybe your heart is just aching for love?


I'm standing outside my house, holding a box ready to start my new life. I couldn't help but think about how someone could just walk into your life and turn your world inside out. Yet you know deep in your heart that it's best not to get involved with them? But you can't help falling for them? Maybe it's love at first sight? Or maybe your heart is just aching for love?

That happened to me when I was sixteen. It was the first time I've ever met him. My dad made me go to a friend's house with him, make some friends, get out more, instead of staying in my room, reading some book. Apparently that wasn't healthy for a girl my age to do that. But my books were like my best friends - I never really got along with teenagers my age. It's not like I didn't try, but it was just easier to surround myself with books. Books never pushed me to things that I didn't want to do, and books never made fun of me. With my books, they helped me escape from my sad world. I could pretend that I didn't exist in the real world.

Well, I used to feel that way, then I started hanging out with Jacob and his friends. When my dad pulled up in the driveway of Jacob's small, red house, the house looked like it was falling apart. They also really needed some black top roads. I got out of the truck, immediately sticking my foot into mud. I had tried shaking it off, but my dad kept laughing at me.

"Sorry, Bells." He kept laughing anyway. "I should have told you to watch out."

I had given him a dirty look. "Maybe if you just let me stay in my room, this wouldn't have happened."

He had sighed, shaking his head. The mud was already starting to seep into my sneaker. "Bells, we went over this. You need to be around real people; live outside your room."

"Why? Because I don't go out shopping or drinking like the other kids do? I thought you were supposed to teach me to be a leader, not a follower!" I had retaliated.

"That's the thing - you're not doing either. You sit in that room hiding from everyone. I know the move here was hard, but you need to start living your life." He had said.

I only stared at him.

Back then, I didn't understand what he meant by "living your life". I thought I was already living my life by breathing, allowing my heart to beat. I never knew what he meant. Not until that day.

I had followed my dad into the small house. The door opened before we could even knock, and Billy sat in his chair, smiling up at us. Billy and my dad were friends since they were teenagers. They hang out a lot to feel young again, to relive the old days. Sometimes they got so drunk that they started blurting random stories. The one I enjoyed the most was the story about how my dad met my mom. He always said it was love at first sight, but it just wasn't meant to be. He also said that he got a good deal out of it - he got me. Sometimes, I really thought about it.

"Hey Chief, how's it going?" Billy had greeted, smiling. Billy lost his legs the same night he lost his wife. They were coming home when an oncoming car hit them head on. They flipped a few times. My dad always told me that his wife died instantly, that she didn't see it coming, that she didn't suffer. I never really believed that. She must have known something, must have felt fear. I think my dad only told me that to reassure me.

"Hey Billy." Charlie nodded, walking past Billy and into the house. I remembered the smell - it had smelt like burnt wood and cherry pie. I didn't know it at the time, but I grew to love that smell. Even now, I still crave it.

"Look who I finally got to leave the house!" Charlie smiled.

Billy's smile didn't falter. "Bella, is this fool giving you a hard time?"

I had shaken my head. I looked around the house...I felt eyes on me. When I looked back at Billy, I smiled.

"Well, next time he does, just remind him that he was the one that would stay indoors and watch cartoons on Saturday morning up until he was eighteen."

"Hey! After I was done, I would actually go outside and be around people. Unlike someone in this room." My dad glanced at me sideways. I remember feeling annoyed.

"Oh give the girl a break, Chief! It's not easy moving from a sunny place to a dreary, most depressing region in the country. Plus, she hasn't been here for years." Billy was spot on. I hadn't lived there since I was three.

"She moved back five months ago. I think it's time for her to get out. That's why she's here today. I thought she could hang out with Jake for a while." My dad had suggested.

Billy looked skeptical. "Maybe you're right. Bella, Jake is in the garage out back, most likely working on his car."

I remember glaring at my dad, who looked at me like he had won a gold medal or something. I had reluctantly walked out back, my shoes being destroyed by the soft mud. The rain had stopped then, but the sky was still pretty dark. As I edged towards the shed, I could hear music and the clattering of tools.

To this date, that was still my favorite sound.

I had peeped my head around the door. I had seen someone's feet poking from underneath the car - the same car I was using today. The person underneath the car, I recall, was cussing up a storm. I couldn't help but giggle at that. Then, I heard loud clanging of tools.

I vaguely remember myself clasping a hand over my mouth, my eyes were wide. The person rolled back out into view. He sat up slowly, a hand pressed against his forehead.

"I'm sorry! I didn't-"

He waved his hand, cutting me off wordlessly. After a few moments, all he was doing was staring. "Who are you and why are you here?"

I flushed. "M-my name's Bella." I had said, nervously. "My dad is friends with yours...I think we made mud pies when we were little...?"

He grinned at me in recognition. Jacob had grown a lot; he looked well built for his age. "Wow." He breathed. "I'm amazed that you're even here."

I frowned, slightly offended. "Why's that?"

He stood up, wiping his hands. "Well, my dad said that you don't really like being around people."

"Yeah." I admitted. "I'm usually cooped up in my bedroom. My dad made me come here."

"I could have guessed that." Jacob kept grinning. "No one voluntary comes here to visit. Well, besides your dad."

After a day of hanging out on the rez with Jacob, I came back whenever I had free time. I knew it made my dad happy to see me doing something other than reading in my bedroom. After a while of hanging around with Jacob, his friends eventually became my friends. Quil and Embry were the first ones I got along with. Quil was funny, he always had something funny to say. He always had something hilarious to say whenever someone was in a bad mood. Embry was the shy one. To me, he was like an open book. Embry and I talked about literature, most of the time.

Some of the others took time to warm up to me. For example, Paul. I remember Jacob telling me that Billy made them watch out for him, so that he wouldn't get into trouble. Paul came from a bad home life. His mother ran away and left him with his father. It explained why he used to skip class, get into fights, and screw around.

I remember a few times where I hung out with him. He and I never really talked. He just sort of made snide comments to what I was saying.

I also remember snapping at him, and part of me realized why I was always cooped up in my bedroom - I didn't want to lash out on anybody just because I wasn't happy with myself.

One day, I drove out to see Jacob after school. I saw Paul walking up to the edge of the cliff. He was fully clothed, standing too close to the edge. He stared down at the wonder, and it was then when I realized that he was targeting the rocks below. I vaguely recall running out of my car, the engine still running.

"Paul?" I shouted. "Paul, stop!"

He slowly turned around, tears in his eyes. "Why? No one's going to miss me."

I stopped. "There are a lot of people that would miss you."

He smiled sadly. "Like who?" He asked. "My dad? He's so drunk all the time he barely even knows I exist."

"What about Billy? Jake? The rest of your friends?"

"Billy's just forcing them to hang out with me. I'm a burden to them."

I hesitated. "I'd miss you." I admitted. "I know what it feels like when your parent doesn't give a shit about you."

He frowned.

"My mom wasn't the best mother. Most of my childhood memories consisted of me and a babysitter, to tell you the truth. She never stayed very long. I always thought there was something wrong with me, maybe I was not likable. When she sent me to my dad's, I felt worthless. I started thinking that maybe no one will ever want me. If it weren't for my dad or for Jake, I'd still be locked in my bedroom."

Paul looked away, his sad smile faltering. He stepped away from the edge, walking towards me. "You're crazy for thinking that."

I smiled, relieved that he wasn't near the edge. "Then I guess we're both crazy."

He can vividly remember his smile coming back to life on his face. We had walked back to my truck, and I never told anyone about that day. But since then, Paul and I became close. After two months, we started dating. No one was particularly happy about it, but we didn't care. Paul made me happy, and everything was falling into place.

I had a father who loved me, supportive friends, and a boyfriend that I fell madly in love with. I was even doing well in school. After high school, I was planning on becoming a teacher. I was looking forward to the next step in my life.

But in the middle of my senior year, everything turned for the worse. Paul stopped calling, texting, and seeing me altogether. Jacob and Billy had said that he was ill, but I knew they were hiding something. No one wanted to tell me. Even my own dad told me that he will come around when he's ready.

One day, I was fed up to the point where I ended up driving to Jacob's. I parked in a secluded part, watching, waiting. When I saw Paul jogging alongside two of his friends, my heart dropped. He didn't look like the Paul I knew. He was taller, bigger. I asked Jacob what happened, but he brushed it off. Then, I started to feel the same way I felt when I moved in with my dad. I started to believe that it was my fault for him leaving.

A few weeks later, I came home to good news. I had received an acceptance letter to a University in California. Without thinking, I immediately went to my truck, driving to the rez. I remember pulling up in front of Paul's house, knowing that I wasn't supposed to be there, but I couldn't help it. I walked up to his door and knocked. Moments later, I was face to face with Paul. Something within me stirred.

"Damn it, Bella!" Paul groaned. "Why are you here?"

I looked away, completely breathless. I felt hurt to hear his annoyed voice.

"I-I got accepted into that school in Cali."

I could feel his stare burn into my school. "That's great." He said, emotionless. "You gotta leave. You really can't be here."

I closed my eyes. I've been waiting for this. When I opened them, my fists were balled up, and I was angry. "What did I ever do to you?" I asked, voice calm. "I gave you everything, Paul! I didn't do a single damn thing wrong, and you're treating me as if I never existed! I gave you a piece of me that I can never get back!"

He looked at me, frowning as he ran his fingers through his hair, lightly tugging at it. "Bella, you didn't do anything. You can do better than me. I can't leave this place, but you can. You can go far away from here and do amazing things." He uttered. "Look, just forget about me, okay? Forget about us. Go to that school and become a teacher like you've always dreamed of. That's what you should focus on."

I felt frustrated tear prickle my eyes. "But I love you!"

He backed away, ready to close the door. "Just go away, Bella." Then he slammed the door shut.

For the rest of the year, I tried letting him go. It wasn't easy, and it only got harder when Jacob and his friends stopped talking to me. I had to immerse myself into homework in order to get my mind off things. After a while, I was ready to move on. Before school ended, Jacob started talking to me again. He and his friends had come by to visit me, too. They were all different. They changed as drastically as Paul had.

And then, it was the day. The day I finally got to leave Forks, Washington. I had packed all my belongings, loading them onto the truck. I was driving to California all by myself, like I had asked to.

I turned around, my dad and Billy at the threshold of the house.

"Are you ready to go, Bells?" My dad inquired.

I nodded. "Yeah, I think."

"Bella," Billy interjected. "I'm sorry the boys couldn't come by to say their goodbyes. Something came up."

"No worries," I had sighed. "they already said their farewells."

My dad walked over and gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek. "Be good, okay, kiddo? And if you ever need me, I'm just a phone call away."

I smiled, got into my truck, and drove away. I debated on going to La Push to say goodbye to Paul, but the fact that he didn't want anything to do with me kept me from doing so. Deep down in my heart, I know that we will end up crossing paths.

As I neared the boarder between Forks and the rest of the world, I heard a very, very loud noise. I slammed on the breaks when I noticed a large, silver wolf stopping in front of my truck.

It was stupid of me to even think about leaving the truck, but something told me - it was the way the wolf was looking at me - that I was safe, that it was going to maul me to death. As I inched closer to the wolf, whom sat quietly in front of my truck, I felt a small tug in my abdomen.

"Paul." I gasped, though I didn't know why. How could this be Paul? How did I know that? Why am I talking to a big wolf? Why isn't it attacking me? And for some reason, it just made sense. It was as if this-this is what I was missing. This was why Paul wanted me to leave. This is why everyone was so secretive about what happened to him. It was because he changes into a werewolf.

And I know I should be freaked out, or screaming, or running away, but I didn't. I couldn't.

I reached out to touch the wolf's fur. "I have to go."

The wolf whined, loudly. He looked up at me with hopeful eyes. I smiled, scratching his chin, before walking back to my truck. I had to move on.

I didn't know whether or not I was happy that he had shown up - in wolf form, might I add - but I was grateful. He still cared.

I know I'll be back. It was just a matter of time.

Maybe then, he and I will both be ready.

Editor/Beta: Moriarty's Diary


End file.
